Why can’t you just be happy for me

I hear this is involved

No I don’t want to see your baby pictures/sonogram/footprints/updates on sleeping habits/most recent poops. Yes, I am happy for you, I know you are excited to be having/had a baby, and YES I am VERY happy for you. 

That being said; it doesn’t mean I want to see it. Any of it.  I feel bad asking my friends to hide their babies’ pictures from me and not to show me every time we meet.

 

 Nonetheless I have learned that it is better than dealing with a mental break down after seeing nothing but.   

In one  situation I was hauled through a house to see every brand new baby item and set up nursery for my very expectant friend, when that was not the reason for the visit (to be honest it is a main reason I have distance myself from said friend... sorry) 

I don’t expect people to see things from my perspective, nor would I EVER want them to empathize with me (sympathy is different) because in order for that to happen they would have had to experience what I went through. That is a pretty cruel thing to wish on another person.

I have friends who, for years, tried to get pregnant (others not so much) but in honesty, it was better that they didn’t at that time. Now they are in a better place, are more mature, happier, healthier and have beautiful little offsprings … that I still can’t handle being around/seeing pictures of/constantly hearing about. 

Yeah, I feel so bad about not having one of these. Aren't they precious?

I will never be this cool as a teacher.

I don’t hate children. I work with children.  I want to teach English to CHILDREN. I love children.  I just can’t emotionally/mentally deal with pregnancy/infants/babies … toddlers are a grey area.  

I will concede 1-2 exceptions, but those were not easy. What makes it worse is I love my friends so much, and yet I can’t handle how painful it is to be around them when such an important and amazing time in their live occurs. That is its own punishment, believe me. I have lost friends over this, but most of them understand and I keep contact, and after a couple years when the child calls and says “Mommy said you need to come visit. Who are you?” That’s when it’s a little easier. 

I could be come a crazy cat lady, sure.

I am not alone on this. One of my closest friends has tried for 10 years to have a baby. She has hidden every  “parenting page” on facebook , myspace and tumbler that’s crossed her path as well as every Gerber/Pampers/Carters/Zulilly ad’s that find us in their demographic. And because we are in their demographic we MUST want to be inundated with pictures of happy smiling babies. We DON’T. 

 However we do find solace in knowing we don't have the next justin bieber growing inside us.

I may not 100% be child-free by choice, but I’ve definitely learned to embrace it. I’ve become selfish and self-indulgent and to be honest I am grateful, because if I had my own child I would not be able to go to go to college and work, go to Korea, study the language, study in the country, and teach English there after college. My life would revolve around the child… and wouldn’t be able to have my own passion, because I would be too busy watching Wa wa wubsy or whatever is popular for kids at that age… actually if I had the daughter I was expecting, she would be about four now. She would probably have Frozen everything, like everyone's children seem to have, and I wouldn’t be trying to see G-Dragon in concert. 

Time to go down memory lane.  Warning from here it gets graphic

So you ask; How did you become this emotional mess? What do you mean “…she would be about four now”? and Why are you so selfish?!

To get a better understanding of my inability to act like a ‘normal-baby-wanting-mother-instinct-having-deep-seeded-biological-must-chlild-having-married-woman,’ let’s begin with the miscarriages. (Oooh that took a dark turn fast)

This sets the mood nicely

Plural, not singular. I won’t go into much detail here, but they can be less than pleasant, physically and mentally. When I went to a (military) doctor to ask for help, his reply was “You have to prove you’ve have three miscarriages before we can help you. By this time, this was already number 2… 2 more to follow. No, I didn’t get the “proof” they wanted. One person I know was actually told to bring her “miscarriage” in for proof. They told her to put the expelled fetus into a Tupperware and bring it in. This was who I had to ask for help with my fertility issues. These people were more concerned about telling me to lose weight, but not actually helping me do it. 

Look at that blubber fly

Every ad with a dog set off the waterworks

When I finally did get help I was put through a battery of tests and frequent blood draws as well as hormone pills that made me cry about everything.  
This was a 3 year process that went nowhere.  I cried at friggin’ TP commercials!

I had an HSG to clear my fallopian tubes, and the experience was so painful a midwife, whom I told about the experience, said that what I experienced was worse than natural childbirth. At that time I was taking a friend to every single one of her OB appointments, so I got a very intimate view of the gestation process. 

I'll pass, thanks.

We … 

I looked into adoption (my husband refused to do the foster care/foster-adopt) I will say this clearly, adoption companies do no give two shit about you actually getting a child. Not one fucking bit. They only care about you giving them your money. I went into depth about this in another blog about what not to say to people who can't have children.   I went pretty in depth about the adoption costs and practices.

Most adoption agencies don't admit that this is their real motive.

A close family member made me aware of a friend of hers who was in a situation and looking to have someone adopt her unborn daughter. I will not go into much detail here, it is honestly still difficult, but she wanted us to adopt her, and in the end… well, it was the end. The baby didn’t make it, and honestly I barely came back from this. I had one more procedure, a last ditch effort if you will. It ended with a severe allergic reaction to tape they used on me… and nothing else. 
 

Okay, I did get one of these.

Like I said before, the last thing I would ever want someone to do is empathize with me. It’s a cruel thing to want. However, very few people (even those close to me) have the same regard for my emotional instability in this. I am grateful to those who understand and are willing to let some of my comments and behaviors slide, knowing that it takes a lot of patience and effort to not fall apart every time they see another birth announcement/sonogram/update/baby photo/milestone.

What is the cause of my joyful experience?  I suffer from PCOS…  let’s go over the fun of that. 
First, it feels like this:

Yes this is how my abdomen feels randomly

 2nd it does this:

On top of the fun that PCOS brings to the party, it makes losing weight almost impossible. People think I am making this up when I say "I can't lose weight." This is not an excuse for being lazy, it really makes life difficult.  
I wonder if removing my ovaries would solve that problem!

Apparently not. 

 I think one of the more frustrating things I have experienced is people telling me I am lazy for not having children. YES I have been told this by complete strangers. These people are not worth my time to explain the situation.  The blog above has some more fantastic examples of my experiences. It doesn't help that I live in a military town. Many young families move here and realize it's a great place to raise children.... yay.

Mentally I am content and looking forward to my future goals. 

Biologically my hormones haven’t gotten the frickin’ message.