Don't say these things to people who CAN'T have kids!

These are some things you really shouldn’t say to someone who can’t have children.

Although I am done with wanting to have children and I am happy to be selfish with my time and money, there are some things that still sting to hear.
I know most people don’t know what to say, or mean well and are trying to comfort me. However sometimes the best thing to say, is nothing at all. 

Where's my money!?

“Oh, I’m sorry. You can come and play with my child anytime you want”

I know this is meant to sound nice, but it really isn’t. I wasn’t sure how to equate this without sounding like a total bitch, but my friend put it wonderfully, 

"It’s like putting food in front of a starving person and saying 'you can look at what I have.' "  

“There’s always adoption.”

Here’s another fun one that is meant to help. I would have loved to adopt (past tense). I looked into it. A lot. To file the paperwork alone is $2,000.00 If that was all there was to it, sure, I’d find a way to scrape it up and we’d have a beautiful baby from a different set of DNA, but there’s more to it than that.  A LOT MORE.  To adopt from a service it can be around $30,000 or more. One person told me that a friend had spent upwards of $60,000 for their child. 
You are no longer adopting at this point. You are buying a child. 
Private organizations aren’t so bad, but they can be just as expensive. Usually you’re just paying a lawyer fees at this time (as opposed to ‘filing fees’ the organizations have), but that could go bad too.  
Believe it or not, adoption programs can be very shady, they’re trying to pull any money out of you that they can.

I broke the cost down and added everything up on it, after going through the fee schedule. The base pay for this company (which is average, and comparable to the others I looked into) $2,200.00 with the possibility of $1,700.00 give or take (that I don’t include).  This can be travel expedite or additional fees should an adoption not take place. Go look at the picture I spent a lot of time making that thing!! Possible travel fees on top of those as well are not added in.

Domestic Private (this is usually through a lawyer, no agency) can be about $9,000.00 (rounded up from 8700) before medical costs. I’ll get there in a minute.

Agency plus lawyer $20,000.00 (rounded up from 19,700)

Now let’s add in medical costs. 
I looked up the price to give birth in California (one of the more expensive places to have a baby. At the first hospital to pop up in a large city) 
Then I looked up the prices for this particular adoption agency is in the Midwest, which is one of the lower cost of living areas. 
I felt it was a good halfway point. I found the median cost of the two procedures and decided to base costs off of those.

$20,261.15 for a regular birth (no complications) and $39,656.00 for a C-section (no additional complications).  
 Now we add that to the agency cost of $20,000.00 $40,261.00 - $59,656.00 for an adoption cost. And for private (because yes you pay for that as well)  $29,261.00 - $48,656.00.

They really just want the money.

** additional note, a friend of mine decided to give a child up for adoption before we met. The adoption agency she went through told her to get off of the medical aid she was receiving, that would allow her to have all birth fees covered, and let the 'adoptive parent's' take responsibility for that.

So when people say “I don’t know why more people don’t adopt!?” Maybe this would be a big reason. I’m not rich, I’ve never had a lot of money, this would take the rest of my life to pay off, leaving me with no money to take care of my child.

This is just the filing fee.

It’s not like you are going to a pound picking out a puppy and take it home that night… there are so many things that can go wrong. So many people have gone through the process just to have the bio-mother change her mind after the baby is born or back out before then. There is such an emotional toll, and in our case… the baby died before we ever met.  This wrecked me. I was a mess for a couple months afterward. I quit after this.

Variations of this are

Foster-adopt: This can be emotionally draining as well. Many of the children are emotionally compromised, with mental problems (this does NOT make them any less loveable). I have a couple children in my life that fit this category and they’re wonderful people and I LOVE them very much. However, there is a lot more work that goes into raising these children.

Another factor is at any point that child can be taken out of your care. You can devote your life and heart to a child for several years, just to have them removed because of the system.  This is very hard emotionally. 

Imagine loving someone for years, and then having removed from your life.

Oh wait... I can!

In-vitro:  The procedure alone is approximately $14,000.00, not including medication, storage, and repetitive office visits. These can be painful emotionally and physically. 

*One of the procedures I endured was more painful than childbirth (without an epidural) according to a midwife. I got to experience the pain of child birth, with out the after effects of taking home a babbling baby.

“Well, you have a step-child, so that’s kinda the same.”

No. It’s not. Not at all. I may love my step-child very much, but I did not give birth to her. I have no say in how she is/was raised, and she was taken out of my care for several years. After I had devoted half a decade of my life and energy to this child, she was sent to live with her mother for several years. While she was gone, her mother proceeded to tell her we were trying to “replace” her since we were trying to add to our family (she did this during her own pregnancy).  My step-daughter was told to hate me and that I was an evil person.  

Yeah… you still think having a step child is ‘kinda the same?’

“I know just how you feel (even though I have 4 children)”

… and have never had any trouble conceiving, and am pregnant again.

“Oh you had to be put on fertility pills?”

“Not at all.”

“You had to have several painful procedures repeatedly to help you”?

“No at all.”

“So... you lost several babies (miscarriage)”

“Not at all.”

In this case do you really “know just how I feel”…. NOT AT ALL

“God has a plan for you.”

You may think this, and this may be your view… that doesn’t make it mine. You don’t know what religion I am. (That will be its own post at a later time) You don’t know what my faith is. I may be an atheist, or Muslim or Buddhist or Taoist or agnostic or Hindi or non-religious or Sunni or Sik or Jewish or… you get the point.  Don’t assume your faith is mine.  
To be fair, even if I was in a religious support group, I would still hate to hear this, because it’s a slap in the face. It doesn’t make someone feel better.

 “You WILL be a great mom”

There are those people who insist it is still going to happen. 

Just stop. 

You would have been a great mom.

I appreciate the thought, but please don’t say that. It sounds like a back handed compliment. 

It’s like saying “Well you make that hideous outfit kinda okay.” 

If you want to say something nice try, “I’m grateful to have you in my child’s life.” It is a real compliment, it applies to the situation, but only if you have kids.

 

“Just get another dog”

I have 2 dogs… they are a bad substitution for a baby. 

This is how we end up with a spoiled dachshund dog that goes everywhere and has attachment issues. 
Then they pee in your bed because you have to go to work.

 

 “Consider yourself lucky, I wish I had more free time/money/peace and quiet.”

After everything, this is how I view the situation. NOW! But when I was actively trying to conceive, on hormones and digging through adoption catalogs, and baby clothing I wanted to put on my own child, this was pretty heartless. A lot of times this one correlated with “you can come play with my child.” Let me make this clear, because I don’t/didn’t have a child, and want/wanted one, does not mean I want to watch your children for fun.

I LOVE my friend’s kids, especially when they come running up to me calling, or in one case, can’t talk yet but smiles big and reaches for me, I feel very much loved by these children. 

It makes me happy (and a little sad).

I am also happy not to wake up to a screaming baby, wet diapers, cholic and spit up. I get to see the happy stuff, first steps and words, while getting all the same colds. 

I get to photograph birthdays and special events, but don’t have to figure out a snack after school or what to cook for dinner. 

I also HATE Christmas, so I don't have to pretend to care about it for the sake of my offspring. I like being selfish ^_^

Just don’t say these things to me.

Found this. I kinda like it ^_^