Looking back on Senioritis aka Senior Burnout

Back when I was getting close to graduating I talked to a friend about writing a blog on everything I was experiencing thinking I can’t be the only one that is this miserable this close to what should be something exciting. There’s this point where you lack motivation to continue. You’re  (so) close to graduating and it's been labeled "senioritis."  

The reality was more like burn out and fatigue. I found a blog entry where I admitted that everything I used to love irritated me and I stopped doing many of the things I enjoyed for a while, writing being one of them. 

 

I had a two hour commute to class, and a even made a video detailing a good chunk of my drive, because that was really all I had time for, but I did learn from it, so yay, plus the music is upbeat as you read: 

The best part of driving  to school was dancing to the music on the way up, and the beautiful scenery (the 3:00-4:00 minute mark looking for Skagit has the BEST view)

When I look back on my blog towards the end of my college days, I can see a definitive and steep decline in my writing. 

I love to write. I write stories, and poems, and songs… 

At least I used to. 

The last final quarters of my university gave way to 

severe bouts of depression, anxiety and senior burn out. 

At the time I wrote: [I] Need to pull out of this … depression. 

I don’t know what else to call it. I am angry at myself for not graduating, and although the circumstances are not wholly of my own making, ** it still irks me [I was actually on track for the most part, just too stressed & upset to realize it]. I am dreading my drive to the point I am giving myself anxiety over it. It’s about a two hour drive to school. I have turned into a human slug to compensate for the stress of the commute. 

**The mistake I made was picking a horrifically abusive teacher, who liked to target me. She seemed 

to really get a kick out of pushing my buttons and setting off my anxiety and PTSD on a daily basis.

I think it was a fun game for her? I refer to her as Dr.Doom, for "anonymity" sake. Aren’t I polite?! I went to our department, and they were less than helpful. At one point I had an anxiety attack so bad, that I thought I was having a heart attack, due to the amount of stress she invoked. A lot of this anxiety and stress was compounded by my school refusing to take the issues seriously (although other students had made statements about her behaviour as well), and those closest to me, simply wanted me to shut up about the teacher that was making my life a living a hell.

 These are a few Ratemyprofessor.com reviews about the person we refer to as "that teacher," suffice it to say I'm not the only one who had issues with her.

Although my bed is comfy and the company is great, it is counterproductive. I have had no energy nor will to do the things I enjoy. I’ve forced myself to play [computer] games, because, “at least I like that”.Things that I love, like K pop [K-dramas, and movies] and that world has served to irritate me lately. It used to be a sanctuary, now I’m lucky if I can find a show I don’t find utterly unbearable.

 I need to have better language pertaining to success, and stop telling myself “if it goes well” and use definitive language. This WILL be my last quarter. This WILL be the quarter I graduate. I’m not happy about the fact I’m being forced to take an additional course,* but I think I found something interesting. I do like the classes, if nothing else.

*Thankfully I had a competent, understanding and wonderful teacher, the following two quarters, who really helped me. To this day I am grateful to Dr. Lin. I  would have given and up and quit so close to the end if it wasn't for Dr. Lin

During my final semester I wrote:

 I’ve developed a theory regarding senioritis. I’m approaching the end of my run and I find myself fighting to find motivation. My university career is already a year longer than anticipated. I heard teachers joking about senioritis in the 400 (senior) levels (end of the line for the majors). I don’t hear students joke though; It’s more like, “I hope I can make it through.” It feels like slogging through molasses.  I had always been under the impression that senioritis was due to the joy of leaving, “whoohoo almost done!” At least that was the impression I was always given, by teachers, graduated students and senioritis makes it sound like we are being forgetful in our old age. A friend from the Ukraine said that they referred to this scenario as “senior burn out.” She thought senioritis sounded like something that went with tacos and tequila, which is of course how we treat this issue.  However, Senior Burnout sounds much more appropriate. Most of the students I encounter now have a sense of dread, “What are you doing with your degree?” equivalates to, “Please tell me there are viable jobs that don’t use the words,‘would you like fries with that’.” Fear is ever present in the eyes of seniors. I’ve been working towards my goal for about 5 years now- to say I’m more than ready to be done with this step would be an understatement. Studies have shown that social media (imagine this) can make you feel worse about yourself, as though you’re not succeeding. Thus, I’ve learned to avoid that platform after a certain time of day- plus this political climate is LITERALLY making me sick [from anxiety]. Every day I read a new thing that I let affect me too much, and as much as I would like to ignore it, like I’ve always done, I feel as though a Pandora’s box of WTF has been opened and I can’t close it now. Once you know something exists, it’s hard to pretend it doesn’t.  I lost all will to continue two quarters ago [That was Dr.Doom]. My desperation to finish is waylaid by my apathy via fatigue. I came home from school today due to a headache (not the first time), thereby skipping a class I really shouldn’t be this close to the end (the light just hurt so bad) My stress is so bad I’m having chest pains (went to the doc, I can breathe fine, just stress loads and loads of stress).

I’ve been having a really hard time getting through class lately. I am so sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. Is that not cliché enough for you, I dunno but I feel like I’m living in some purgatory of never changing drudgery of driving – fatigue – homework-work-homework-fatigue driving school driving- yadda yadda yadda… over and over and over and over and you tired yet? I’m still living this shit! I’m trying so hard to just to… make it. This is the part where I have to remind myself.

Don’t give up- sometimes things are tough No matter what be positive and keep your chin up.  Augen zu und durch! 포기하지마세요

DON'T GIVE UP

Whenever times get difficult think of how far you’ve come.

At least I was trying to remain positive!

After I graduated I took almost three months before I was in a good place again. I was trying to find work before I embarked on my Korean adventure (you know the whole reason this blog ever got started in the first place). I ended up with an amazing job I loved, but that’s a tale for another time. Everything was set for me to go back to Korea… but well some things didn’t work out. Tale for another time. 

On the positive side I’m still pursuing my goals even if they’re taking longer than I thought they would. I just finished my 100-hour TOEFL certification. I’m pretty proud of that. I will update as the situation progresses.