Come have some anxiety with me
Come have some anxiety with me~
You know how they say
sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. Well
they may not hurt you in a physical measurable manner but they sure can fuckyou up in the long term causing fun forms of psychological damage.
Mine manifests as social anxiety disorder, with light attacks on the side.
* Anxiety attack-light: my term for physiological realization of an anxiety attack, and (pre-realization of psychological) onset triggers (via prior experience), therefore able to know how to calm (deep breathing, meditative mental state of self awareness, <no I'm not kidding, reduce heart rate) down. *isn't psychology FUN!
What is an anxiety attack?
"Anxiety is the body’s natural response to danger, an automatic alarm that goes off when you feel threatened, under pressure, or are facing a stressful situation."
It is different from a panic attack
But, how can you explain anxiety to someone who doesn’t understand?
What is an anxiety attack?
"Anxiety is the body’s natural response to danger, an automatic alarm that goes off when you feel threatened, under pressure, or are facing a stressful situation."
It is different from a panic attack
But, how can you explain anxiety to someone who doesn’t understand?
Some people will NEVER
have an issue with it, and that’s fanfuckingtastic! However, those people may
also lack empathy and sympathy for those who do. Sometimes those people will
even choose to make the situation worse.
I feel I am currently in
one of those situations. I have a class that isn’t going well, and I understand
personality clashes, but I also understand narcissism, superiority complexes
and strait up BULLYING!
One of the issues of dealing with a narcissistic educator is that they can't deal with the opinions of others if it doesn't match whats in their head-
*"Don't cross him. Entirely dependent on others' opinions, a narcissist can act like a cornered animal if he or she feels threatened. Research shows that narcissists become aggressive when they feel an ego threat—confronted with proof that they aren't special—or feel they aren't getting enough respect. In the lab, they are willing to punish other experimental subjects with a noise blast when they think they've been put down. If you have to tell a narcissist he isn't doing a good job, do it gently—and be prepared."
- So this is what I'm dealing with.
This has been a problem because I am currently suffering from a (narcissistic) professor. (Who I shall refer to as Narcissus)
When we, as a class, don't understand something, Narcissus takes it as an insult and lash out at us. The more of us that don't understand the work, the angrier Narcissus gets. The problem comes when Narcissus begins yelling at us that we should have "done better" - (yes this happens, but I'm paraphrasing). Another problem is we are all doing shit work together, because none of us are comprehending this class' lessons- and if we ask about something or don't understand, we are blamed for not "paying attention".
Narcissus is blaming us for their mistakes, and lack of skill. It's pretty bad~
That "educator" chose to lash out at me, because I accidentally did too much work *not kidding*, and I speak up when I think something is WRONG! Because that It isn't our fault they aren't good at their job. Narcissus doesn't like contradicting opinions either.
One of the issues of dealing with a narcissistic educator is that they can't deal with the opinions of others if it doesn't match whats in their head-*"Don't cross him. Entirely dependent on others' opinions, a narcissist can act like a cornered animal if he or she feels threatened. Research shows that narcissists become aggressive when they feel an ego threat—confronted with proof that they aren't special—or feel they aren't getting enough respect. In the lab, they are willing to punish other experimental subjects with a noise blast when they think they've been put down. If you have to tell a narcissist he isn't doing a good job, do it gently—and be prepared."
- So this is what I'm dealing with.
This has been a problem because I am currently suffering from a (narcissistic) professor. (Who I shall refer to as Narcissus)
When we, as a class, don't understand something, Narcissus takes it as an insult and lash out at us. The more of us that don't understand the work, the angrier Narcissus gets. The problem comes when Narcissus begins yelling at us that we should have "done better" - (yes this happens, but I'm paraphrasing). Another problem is we are all doing shit work together, because none of us are comprehending this class' lessons- and if we ask about something or don't understand, we are blamed for not "paying attention". Narcissus is blaming us for their mistakes, and lack of skill. It's pretty bad~
That "educator" chose to lash out at me, because I accidentally did too much work *not kidding*, and I speak up when I think something is WRONG! Because that It isn't our fault they aren't good at their job. Narcissus doesn't like contradicting opinions either.
Due to these issues
being present on a fairly frequent basis my anxiety has gotten so bad that
every time I am in class, I am in a fight or flight mode and my brain wants to
know why fuck I’ve stopped to take notes. It makes it rather difficult to
retain anything when you learn when you're fighting the urge to run out the
door (which I've done several times). I have gotten to the point where I have to try not to have an anxiety attack before or during class-
I stay away from people until I have gotten comfortable, because of it. I try to see life through my weird humor- I try to see my challenges, and laugh. Usually I meet my issues with a sense of humor- In Korea, EVERYTHING that could go wrong, DID! I posted about it, hoping my friends would laugh about it with me (and keeping them up-to-date with everything- like having a place to live) However that didn’t stop someone from referring to it as “complaining about everything.”
If I can joke about being “The worst case scenario,” I'm obviously getting over the situation, through humor. I like using a sense of humor to deal with my problems– but shit like that really makes it hard – because NOW in my anxiety ridden head I shouldn’t write about those things, it annoys people.
If I can joke about being “The worst case scenario,” I'm obviously getting over the situation, through humor. I like using a sense of humor to deal with my problems– but shit like that really makes it hard – because NOW in my anxiety ridden head I shouldn’t write about those things, it annoys people.
“Where’s my default “I don’t care about other’s opinions?”
 |
| And I REALLY don't. Even if I have to repeat it 100X because my brain tries to convince me otherwise. |
I enjoy writing about those odd/weird/happy/sad/frustrating/silly/new/not this again situation. They help me to see the humor, they help me to see that this is a temporary situation- it shall pass.
My anxiety caused a MASSIVE rift in a decade old friendship, due to a miscomprehension and an inability to see things from my perspective- yeah that wasn’t new, but I could see it from her side, and I am pretty sure I came off as a
LAZY-stuck up-self-centered-anti-social-phone-obsessed-BITCH!
*My insomnia & nerve pain kept me up nights, with high anxiety filled days.
This stupid anxiety issue caused a lot of pain, and the results of her angry letter lasted MONTHS. Basically, my entire study abroad was me fighting with my brain to let it go, and my demands were never headed.
While in Korea, I clung to my friends. Shopping trips only happened with roommates. When they left I stopped shopping. I kept to shops close by that I had already visited. I only went to most places if I had a person with me. Groups meet ups were TORTURE, I felt SO excluded, although I really wasn't.
Going places with S. Was the BEST EVER, she was GREAT at planning these trips and was pragmatic and good with all the stuff I am bad at! It really was helpful to be with her, and when we got lost, we would both find a way to get unlost with no worries, because we could rely on each other.
This stupid anxiety issue caused a lot of pain, and the results of her angry letter lasted MONTHS. Basically, my entire study abroad was me fighting with my brain to let it go, and my demands were never headed.
While in Korea, I clung to my friends. Shopping trips only happened with roommates. When they left I stopped shopping. I kept to shops close by that I had already visited. I only went to most places if I had a person with me. Groups meet ups were TORTURE, I felt SO excluded, although I really wasn't.
Going places with S. Was the BEST EVER, she was GREAT at planning these trips and was pragmatic and good with all the stuff I am bad at! It really was helpful to be with her, and when we got lost, we would both find a way to get unlost with no worries, because we could rely on each other.
 |
| I'm rather grateful for those who let me cling to them~ |
 |
| I make the BEST emergency kits! |
What’s hard is knowing I
have it and not being able to control it as much as I would like. I have gotten
to the point where I am 100% comfortable with my friends, and when they are
around.
I can be me, and okay and fine-n-dandy. However, social situations where I am solo, or have no ground (i.e. my DJ booth, a personal space, a familiarity with the location in some form) I can’t stop from being anxious, although I know I am and I should just stop, but the closest I can come is, “I don’t care about how others see me.” Which then restarts the sick cycle carousel of, “Of course you do, you’re a Comm major, and you know; “You dress for battle when dealing with THE ENEMY!” or “We need to make this impression good.” and all the other fun ways to over analyze these situations. I'm great at that!
I can be me, and okay and fine-n-dandy. However, social situations where I am solo, or have no ground (i.e. my DJ booth, a personal space, a familiarity with the location in some form) I can’t stop from being anxious, although I know I am and I should just stop, but the closest I can come is, “I don’t care about how others see me.” Which then restarts the sick cycle carousel of, “Of course you do, you’re a Comm major, and you know; “You dress for battle when dealing with THE ENEMY!” or “We need to make this impression good.” and all the other fun ways to over analyze these situations. I'm great at that!
I have had insomnia as long as I can remember. I have always been one to stay up late and wake up VERY LATE. I have odd sleep patterns and friends would joke about how hard is was to wake me up. My mind was constantly going- and now ... it still won't BE QUIET AT BED TIME:
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Of ALL the things I could have inherited from my grandmother WHY did it have to be hypochondria? Why couldn't I have gotten her green eyes!?
The anxiety does nothing for helping learn new concepts, or for my problems with math! Anxiety makes trying to take a test much more difficult. I've even drawn blanks on prior readings for class because of it. I try very hard not to let it control me, I have tell myself all the time that the opinions of others don't affect me in most situations, and I am fine. When something emotionally frustrating (or traumatic) happens, it takes a bit (or a lot) longer to get my brain to shut up.
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